![]() ![]() Then, after she finished crying, she felt a wonderful freedom. She felt the hurt of losing her relationship and her dreams for how her relationship could have been. The moment she saw this, she started feeling her hurt. Once Mary saw her love for Bob, she realized that Bob probably had the same love for her. She loved Bob even though she felt angry and wanted out of the relationship. How could she love someone and want to leave him? This made no sense, but when she looked, she saw that the love was there. She didn’t notice this before because loving Bob didn’t make any sense. ![]() Then she saw that under all of her anger and frustration, she still loved him. She wanted to get as far away from Bob as possible. Mary’s relationship with Bob had become so painful that she filed for divorce. It’s just not an effective way to relate. You are angry, but you still love the person. There may be times when it seems easier to come from the anger instead of the love, but it just doesn’t work. When you operate from the anger and resentment, you create opposition and resistance. When you operate from the love, your relationship becomes supportive. It’s okay to recognize this and go your separate ways, knowing that under the hurt is the love. Some people will get on each other’s nerves forever. ![]() There are times when living together just doesn’t work. Now this doesn’t mean you have to live with the other person or agree with that person’s actions. It’s hard to fight with someone who’s on your side. The other person then begins to feel safe instead of threatened. When you interact with love, you change what happens in your relationship. Once you tell the truth to yourself about how much you love the other person, you can then interact out of the love that’s there, rather than out of the anger, the resentment and the hurt. You also become far more effective in your relationship. You feel better about yourself and better about your life. The sense of invalidation and rejection fade away. Once you acknowledge the love, the sting of a painful relationship loses power. Let go of your dreams for how it could have been. Allow yourself to see how much you still love the other person. It is totally separate from your actions and your feelings. Look under the hurt, the anger and the frustration. So don’t listen to what you have been taught. When our actions don’t match these rules, we invalidate the love that’s there. How can you love someone and want a divorce? How can you love someone when you want to have the person shot at sunrise? We’ve been taught all these rules about love. Some people do cruel things to each other. Some people will fight and get on each other’s nerves forever. People can love each other and still have a lousy relationship. When the rejection comes from someone you love, it hurts. If some stranger rejected you or put you down, you wouldn’t be so upset. Love is what makes a difficult relationship so painful. We can’t see it because of all the anger and hurt. The love just gets buried by all the upset. The excitement and thrill of a relationship may fade but not the love. You can’t push it away even if you wanted to. Once two people fall in love, the love is there to stay. We seldom notice the love that’s present in painful relationships.
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